2. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
3. Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
4. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
5. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
6. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
8. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
9. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
11. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
12. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
13. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
14. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
15. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?
16. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
17. Law of the Non-smoker: The smoke in a room will always flow to the only non-smoker, despite the number of fans. If there are two non-smokers in the room, the smoke will split in half to equally antagonize them.
18. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
19. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
20. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
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