Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening
to her 5-year-old son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son saying,
All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting
on, get your asses in the train...cause we're
going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the
bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

All passengers, please remember your things,
thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...

For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no
smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen.... '

Neil Armstrong Comes Clean

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP

FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"

STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER

THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS

NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY...............

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

New Government Seal

Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

One Man's True Story

My Year in Alcoholics Anonymous

It was about a year ago today that I became a member of one of the most difficult and at the same time easiest groups to become a member of. It is a very exclusive club of people who all share one common goal and for the purposes of this club this is all we talk about and all we care about. It is a club that changed the direction of my life, clarified my life and probably saved my life. I count the members of this club as my second family….

Why is it the most difficult club to get into? Because you have to have a desire to stop drinking. Why is it the easiest to get into to? Because the only requirement for membership is a simple desire to stop drinking. Quite the paradox….

Ironically if you would have asked me a year and a day ago if I would ever become a member of this club, I would have looked at you like you were from Mars. Why? I was not homeless. I didn’t live under a bridge. I had a job and my family loved me. To be a member of this club, I had always thought you had to be a homeless, unemployed, crack smoking bum pan handling people for money at the local intersection.

I had a great job, great girlfriend, my family loved me, a famous last name that got me into clubs, restaurants broke the ice in conversations where I normally would have stood ignored in corner being incredibly shy.

Along with all this, I loved to go out with my buddies. I would tell you what bar or club was the place to be on any night of the week. I would go out at least 3 times a week. This meant I was drinking at least three times a week. This never seemed like any big deal to me because all my buddies were doing the same thing. I was having a great time. Never had to wait in line anywhere. Never had to stand anywhere. Everyone wanted to buy me drinks. Why shouldn’t I always have a drink in my hand…….. There was no one to tell me that going out drinking that many times and sometimes more a week is not a good thing no matter how hold you are or how you slice it. Then again, why should anyone have to tell me this? I am a grown man right? Frankly if I looked at all the stupid decisions I have made in my life-80 percent of them started with one of those nights out.

Again, its seemed no big deal to me because everyone I hung out with was doing the same thing. Completely socially acceptable in my book as long as I never strayed from those circles.

Was I an alcoholic? Well if I was than all my buddies where as well. I knew that wasn’t possible so it was all good. In further rationalization, I noted to myself that I had not been convicted of DWI, never been to rehab, was employed, nice home etc. I had only changed my phone number 5 times in the last year which to me was completely normal. When I had to, I simply adjusted my moral plane to account for all drunken embarrassing acts and mouth openings so that was all good. I also never drove drunk which to me was the primary indicator of an alcoholic. I either had a driver or took a cab. Of course this just allowed me to party even harder when I went out since I knew I was not driving. The logic of a true attorney….

So what traumatic event happened that caused me to finally walk through those AA doors? I had a blackout. I went out for one of my normal partying sessions and the next thing I knew it was a day later. Could not remember one thing that happened. The first blackout I had ever had. Scary as shit to not remember and have people tell you what an idiot you were…. I knew other people who had alcohol blackouts and I always thought they were funny as shit…. When it happens to you and you start playing through all of the “what ifs” it loses its humor instantly.

That blackout was absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life…

If I had not blacked out that weekend in April last year, I would probably still be going out every night of the week, taking days to recover, not getting work done(I was lucky as shit that my brother was my boss), and basically standing still in time with no forward movement in any aspect of my life. I wont even address the “what ifs” that are a lot worse……

That blackout gave me the “moment of clarity” I needed to determine that enough was enough. It was time to live instead of exist.

I found out when and where the AA meetings where. I walked to the front door, knowing I may be recognized, embarrassed and scared. I walked in. I was recognized, embarrassed and scared.

I was recognized as someone who wanted to take control of his life and welcomed with a hug like I had been coming for years. I sat through the first meeting and listened to people just like me talk about their stories. They talked about lows lower than I could ever imagine. Many had lost everything. Many who had lost everything had started just like I did. Just out having a good time. A good time night out ending with wiping out a family while driving drunk….They talked about prison, being homeless, losing family, losing self, losing everything. Many also seemed like your normal successful people who you never would guess in million years. Many came from alcoholic families. Many like me, had no history at all in their family. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease.

They also talked about highs from sobriety that I didn’t think I would ever see. Great changes in their lives. People who had not taken a drink in 30 and 40 years and loving life. Believe me, when you are sitting at day one that seems like pipe dream…..There were lawyers, doctors, salespeople, engineers, actors, college students, high school students…. You name it , the group was represented…. Everyone had their own story. Everyone had the same goal… To stop drinking….

That first meeting I was given what is called a “desire chip” It is an AA coin that is an outward sign of an inward desire to stay sober for 24 hrs. It was suggested that I go to 90 meetings in 90 days so I did that as well. Sometimes I went to two meetings a day.

Stopping drinking was not the most difficult thing I had never done. Not by a long shot. It was the easy part. What was the hard part? The hard part was to acknowledge that if I wanted to stay sober I would have to make a 180 degree turn in my lifestyle. This meant acknowledging that if my party buddies were also not making that change, something had to give. It is always easier to take the path of least resistance and stay part of the group to avoid change. The path of the most resistance is to break ties with that and move in a different direction.

No one wants to be alone. Everyone wants to be part of a peer group. Everyone wants to be wanted. Your best buddy is not going to be your best buddy anymore if you don’t go out and get drunk with them…… Your true friends will always be there and do you really want the ones who base your friendship on your ability to party like a rock star?

Making that change was ten thousand times harder than not taking a drink. It was hard until I saw that 90 percent of the world didn’t live like that anyways. I didn’t know that because I only hung out with the ones who did live that way. I survived. The true friends stayed my friends. We found other ways to socialize.

The rest continued on without me. They continued on to the tune of one drug related suicide and overdose in the year since I quit drinking.

I will be honest here. There are a lot of things about the AA philosophy that I have not bought into. Most people have heard of “The 12 Steps” A year into the program I am on step 3. I have been there for a while. I may never move to step 4. One thing I learned in AA was to figure today out and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Nine times out of ten when tomorrow comes it is not near the disaster that it looked today and so what if it is. People who have never taken a drink deal with problems and tragedy all the time and they manage.

Maybe it is the attorney in me, but I question everything. Have to know the background, research etc. That is tough in AA because so much of it is based on simple faith in the program. A year later I am still full of questions…

I do have one answer however. The answer as to whether AA works. At least for me the answer is yes. The last year has been without question, absolutely the best most eventful, the most forward moving year of my entire life.

My name is Brian and I am a damm proud and grateful alcoholic…..

For anyone interested in the Dallas area, you can find a list of meetings here. For anyone living elsewhere, you can find the national AA web site here.

PLEASE NOTE: I HAVE VOLUNTARILY CHOSEN TO BREAK MY ANONYMITY. AA IS COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS!

(Originally posted on: http://briancuban.com/?p=75)

Golf Jokes

Two men were playing golf on a course right next to a cemetery. After they teed off, one of them noticed a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, places it over his heart and bows his head. When the funeral is over the other golfer looks at his friend and asks 'That was a very nice gesture, why did you do it?' The man replies ' Well, we were married for almost 40 years. It is the least that I could do'

__________________________________

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right", Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
__________________________________

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's backside."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that."

______________________________________________

A Lady golfer had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help... and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said. "Where", he asked?
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

_____________________________________

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied,
"Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

_______________________________

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent and respectful for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my colleagues and see if there's anything he can do for sight."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

____________________________________________

After George was hired into a new job, his fellow employees, who always met for a round of golf every Saturday, invited him to join them. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but that he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but again says he may be 6 minutes late. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right handed or left handed, and always win. What's up with that?
George replied, ''Well, I'm a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''what happens if she is lying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I'm 6 minutes late.''

_______________________________

TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY
HER SIDE OF THE STORY - My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do?
What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else?
I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY - Played badly today --- shot 87 - - -can't drive the ball for shit! Felt kind of tired. . .. Got laid though.

The Problem With Tech Support (Click to enlarge.)