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That's Me

Apology Accepted

You Really Can't

The WTF Department

Too bad they really don't have this department.

A Natural Combination

"Would you like a combo?" - Sure, #1. - "Let's see...3 tomatoes and spyware removal, that'll be $27.68 with tax."

Here's Your Sign!

Hmmmmm... ummmmm...Yeeeaahhhh. Mmkay.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

On the other side it says..."Can't read or speak English? Call 1 (800) WE-BE-RETARDED."

An Excerpt From A Guys' Life

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Politics

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

True Emergency Room Stories

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. We're having a Butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!)

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.

Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"

Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."

Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"

Patient: "No. Who?"

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

You Gotta Love Old Men

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Why do we have to pay for service?

I'm referring more to the food industry, but it still applies for any service related business. Occasionally I go to a fast food "restaurant" to fill the fat and cholesterol void in my still healthy heart and arteries. When I do go I try to keep it as simple as possible. That's for the employees sake, but more for mine. It's rare anymore that I get a correct order (100%)...ever.
The other day I went to Hardee's because I like their 5,000 calorie mammoth burgers. Anyone that has been to Hardee's since they changed the menu know it takes ALOT longer to get your food now. It also costs quite a bit more. I'm not one to complain about either when I'm expecting that, but what I am also expecting in return is fresh food correctly "bagged" in a courteous manner.
Anyway, I get in the drive through with 2 cars in front of me. I'm thinking, "Hmmm, this shouldn't be any more than 10 minutes.". That was a high estimate to make myself feel less aggravated if it did actually take that long. It ended taking a PAINFUL 35 minutes before I even got to the window. Some people may wonder why I just didn't leave. Believe me, I would have if there wasn't brick columns to my right with an 8 inch curb and cars in front of and behind me. So, yes, I sat there steaming and wondering what the fuck could possibly take this long to make a fucking burger. I mean there was only 2 fucking cars in front of me. What could they have possibly ordered??! I thought they maybe ordered Chinese food and the employee went to go get it and bring it back.
I need to backtrack a hair. Prior to the extended wait and sitting in line with my key in the off position I placed my order. I sat at the intercom, which with today's technology shouldn't still suck this bad, for 5 fucking minutes before they asked me for my order. I then ordered a #3 with an unsweetened tea. Simple right? No! She repeated my ordered, but it was completely different than what a #3 is. I then repeated my order saying which actual food was involved as well as the number. Then it was repeated back again correctly except this time she said sweetened tea. I corrected her then she repeated the order again, but this time it was correct except for the addition of an unsweetened tea to the combo which already comes with a tea. Anyway, you get my point and I finally got through to her thick head. All is well.
30 minutes later I'm finally sitting at the window ready to fucking pull my hair out. She has an attitude like I did something wrong. SHE should be apologizing for the fucking wait. I could have had a sit down lunch in a real restaurant in the amount of time it was taking. Everyone in there was moving like they were using invisible walkers or taking sedatives...or both. Abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous.
Holy shit! I finally get my food vowing to never go there again. I was now in a hurry so I didn't bother to check the bag. I mistakingly assumed since it took so damn long (and I repeated the order 5 times) that at least it would be correct. WRONG! Holy shit!!! I ordered a burger. I got a chicken sandwich which costs less than the burger I paid for. Fuck! ok ok...I can deal with that, but it's the principle. I also got sweetened tea as well which I just can't drink. I didn't have time to go back so I decided to call the manager just to tell him what crappy service they had, etc etc. He said, "Sorry, but burgers take a while to cook.". I told him that they do not take 30 minutes and that I didn't even get a burger. Instead of being helpful and apologetic he was wanting to argue with me. Fuck that!
I ended up just not ever going back there again. Stuff like this happens at all the fast food chains, but less at the ones that have better management. It happens in "middle-of-the-road" restaurants, but it's less. I call places like TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesday's or Outback that because they're not fast food, but they're also not fancy high-priced establishments either. Just like at the fast food joints they are getting paid to do their job, but the waiters/waitresses are hit or miss. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. The ones that are bad usually act like they hate their job or just don't care about doing it properly. Then they give you looks when you don't leave them a 30% tip. Pfffft. I'm a firm believer in tipping based on the quality of service. I will tip from $0.00 to $10.00 on a $30-$35 meal (I live in VA btw.).
The only places that I've received great service and food EVERY time are the places that serve $40+ per person meals. Why? People suck. You used to get good service whether you were at Dunkin' Donuts, McDonald's, Outback or the fancy smancy places. People are greedy and if they aren't getting paid 6 figures then they feel like they don't need to work as hard. If you take a job that pays $6/hour then that's your choice, but give it 100%. If you take a job that pays $500,000/year then that's your choice, but give it 100%.
My point is that I, nor you, should have to pay ridiculous amounts of money just to get good service. If I pay more then I expect a better product. Period. The end. Now fuck off.