Two men were playing golf on a course right next to a cemetery. After they teed off, one of them noticed a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, places it over his heart and bows his head. When the funeral is over the other golfer looks at his friend and asks 'That was a very nice gesture, why did you do it?' The man replies ' Well, we were married for almost 40 years. It is the least that I could do'
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right", Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's backside."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that."
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A Lady golfer had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help... and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said. "Where", he asked?
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
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One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied,
"Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent and respectful for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my colleagues and see if there's anything he can do for sight."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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After George was hired into a new job, his fellow employees, who always met for a round of golf every Saturday, invited him to join them. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but that he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but again says he may be 6 minutes late. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right handed or left handed, and always win. What's up with that?
George replied, ''Well, I'm a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''what happens if she is lying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I'm 6 minutes late.''
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TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY
HER SIDE OF THE STORY - My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do?
What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else?
I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY - Played badly today --- shot 87 - - -can't drive the ball for shit! Felt kind of tired. . .. Got laid though.
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