Young Hillary Clinton

Newly discovered footage of Hillary Clinton when she was just a kid in school.

Loads Of Laughter

Loads Of Laughter - Watch more free videos

NYC - 1928

New York City In 1928 - Watch more free videos

Funny Test Paper

Hey....he still got a 100!

20 Quick Jokes

1. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

2. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.

3. Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

4. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

5. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

6. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

8. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

9. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

11. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

12. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole

13. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

14. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

15. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?

16. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

17. Law of the Non-smoker: The smoke in a room will always flow to the only non-smoker, despite the number of fans. If there are two non-smokers in the room, the smoke will split in half to equally antagonize them.

18. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

19. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

20. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Cat Got Your ......

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.' So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region...

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ..... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

You Can't Avoid Stupid People

Making Excuses For A Lack Of Brain Cells

Home Furnishings | Costa Mesa, CA, USA

Lady: “Okay, I’m all set.”

Me: *rings the draperies she wants up* “Okay, your total is $768.xx cents.”

Lady: “What?! Aren’t they on sale??”

Me: “No, only the pleated draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “What’s the difference? Why aren’t these ones on sale too?!

Lady’s husband: “What’s going on?”

Lady, now talking to her husband: “These panels aren’t on sale!!!”

Husband: “Oh…well how much does it come up to?”

Lady: “They come out to like $800 bucks.”

Husband: “Well…what do you wanna do?”

Lady: *sigh* “There are signs EVERYWHERE saying that these are on sale.”

Me: “No, there are signs everywhere saying that the PLEATED draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “But that entire room has signs! They all say they’re 20% off.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry to say, but all the signs in that room all say, ‘SALE: All Pleated Draperies 20% Off’. Want me to show you?”

Lady: “No it’s fine…whatever.”

*I finish ringing up the transaction*

Lady, while signing her receipt: “Ugh, it’s just misleading you know? There are literally a hundred signs in that room that say that the draperies are on sale.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry, but they do specify what kind of draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “Well I don’t buy draperies every day, so I don’t pay attention to stupid details like that!!!!”

Me: “Okay, well… I hope they work out for you, have a happy holiday.”

Shoulda Told Him To Do Jumping Jacks

Tech Support | Ontario, Canada

(I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province)

Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your name…”

(After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed)

Me: “I’m sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I’ll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It’s 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.”

Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you probably do not realize that I’m located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?”

Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has stopped, so you come and fix it now.”

(At this point I have big dent in my office wall exactly matching shape of my head)

Me: “Okay, Sir. I’m coming to fix it. But I don’t know you, so to make it easier for me to recognize you please stand in the middle of the production area and raise both your hands so I can find you easily.”

Customer: “Okay, Okay.”

(I received no more calls from him–he’s probably still waiting for me with his hands raised over his head)

Source

Dude, That Must Be Some Strong Weed

Drug Testing Facility | Manhattan, NY, USA

(Patient was a smoker of illegal substances. Thought he could cheat the system by using his girlfriend’s urine for a sample)

Me: “Okay, fill this cup up with urine and bring it back to me.”

(1 week passes by. We call him up)

Male Patient: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, Mike. Your test results are back. You’re clean…and you’re pregnant!”

July, November, It’s All The Same

Retail | Kansas City, MO, USA

Customer: “Where is your jewelry?”

Me, standing behind 3 counters filled with jewelry: “Right here, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, the jewelry on sale!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we aren’t having a sale on jewelry this month.”

Customer: “But I was here in July and it was on sale.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, and now it’s November and it’s not on sale.”

Customer: “Well can’t you give me the sale prices anyways?”

Me: “Ummm, no.”

BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA!

bookstore | USA

Customer: “Yeah, my son really likes this one band that has a really popular song out right now.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know the name of their album, their band name, or the name of the song but the tune is like this: ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa.’”

Me: “…”

Customer: *not very happy with me* “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t really look up ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa’ in our computer.”

Customer: “Don’t be a smart a** with me, missy.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, I’m not trying to be a smart a**, I’m just saying there isn’t really any way I can help you unless you have some information I can look up.”

Customer: *yelling* “NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER BEEN TREATED SO DISRESPECTFULLY AT SOME BULLS*** BOOK STORE! EVERY TIME I COME HERE YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS ACT AS IF IT’S SUCH A CHORE TO HELP CUSTOMERS!”

Me: *trying really hard not to laugh* “Would you like me to call my manager?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I page my manager, which we have several but I lucked out and got the good one)

Rad manager: *irritated because she was busy* “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes, the…”

Rad manager: “No, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Customer: “Well!”

Me: “She wants me to look up a song using only the tune.”

Rad manager: *laughs*

Customer: *again, yelling* “IS IT SO HARD TO ASK FOR A LITTLE HELP OR DO YOU NOT OFFER THAT FOR FREE? ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS THE BAND NAME THAT SINGS THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS, ‘BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA’! IT ISN’T THAT HARD TO FIGURE IT OUT!”

Me: “So go home and figure it out and give us a call.”

Customer: “I will never shop here again! I’m taking my business to Barnes & Noble!”

Rad manager and I: “Okay. Bye.”

The Problem With Analogies

Retail | Eureka, CA, USA

(A customer wanders down the paint aisle I’m working on and asks for advice on which paint to use. I tell him, and he asks for the differences between brands)

Me: “Brand A is just a bit thicker than Brand B. But other than that, they’re pretty much the same.”

Customer: “What do you mean ‘thicker’?”

Me: “The paint has a thicker consistency.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Do you know what cake batter looks like? And water?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Cake batter is thicker than water, like Brand A is thicker than Brand B.”

Customer: “Brand A is cake batter?”

(It goes on like this for awhile. I ended up leaving him there to contemplate)

Not Just Any Warm Crunchy Bread, Mind You

Short Order Restaurant | Houston, TX, USA

Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at menu*

Me, 3 minutes later: “I’ll come ba-”

Hobo: “I want some toast!”

Me: “Okay, toast is all, I’ll be right back.”

Hobo: “Yeah, thats what I want, french toast.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Hobo: “I want some french toast, how much does that cost?”

Me: “Sorry sir, we don’t have french toast.”

Hobo: “Then what do you have?”

Me: “Um…. toast?”

Hobo: “Toast? Whats that?”

*long pause*

Me: “Warm crunchy bread, sir.”

Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm crunchy bread!”

Overlord PX53A-Z Is Not Pleased

Retail | West Virginia, USA

(A woman gets frustrated after I switch out for a co-worker to go on break on Black Friday)

Woman Customer: “Ugh! That is so frustrating! Why didn’t she wait to leave until I was finished?”

Me: “Ma’am, she’s been here since 3:45 this morning, and she needed a break. Plus, we’re not robots.”

Woman Customer: “Good. I hate robots.”

Nonsense Be Thy Name

Video Editor | Upstate New York, USA

(Teleconferencing with a client about a commercial I edited for him)

Client: “I don’t like the music you picked. Do you have anything else?”

Me: “The order said you wanted your jingle in the spot. It’s the one you had the radio stations send us…”

Client: *interrupts* “Yeah, yeah. We gotta have the jingle. I just don’t like the music that goes with it.”

Me: “So you want the jingle without the music?”

Client: “Yeah. Like, and can you take the singing out of there? Like, the music too, can you just edit it out?”

Me: “I don’t think I understand. You want me to edit the jingle so there’s no music or singing?”

Client: “Yeah. I mean you guys can do stuff like that can’t you? Like, with the computers you got?”

Me: “We can’t really, um, do it like that. If you don’t want the jingle sung, we could have the [jingle’s hook] read in the voiceover.”

Client: “No, that won’t work. You can’t just read it. We gotta have the melody in there with it.”

Me: *loathes his career choice*

(Telepathic) Help Wanted

Video Rental Store | Michigan, USA

Customer: “I’m looking for that movie.”

Me: “We have lots of movies, can I help narrow it down?”

Customer: “No, I want it full sized.”

Me: “I meant, what can you tell me about the movie?”

Customer: “Isn’t it YOUR job to tell ME about the movie?”

Me: “Well, I’ll tell you everything I know about the movie as soon as you tell me which movie you’re looking for.”

Customer: “If I knew which movie I was looking for, wouldn’t I have found it by now? Jeez, the people they hire these days.”

(Customer storms out)

For Word Lovers

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.